community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
