My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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