I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
