mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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