I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
