okay pat passed out under dana's car
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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