I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
