my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
