I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
