I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
