I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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