I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
