I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
These tits shall not be calmed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
