Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
