Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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