I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
