dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
