put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
