You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
