i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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