Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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