I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
