It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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