I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
