Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I know her cup size but not her name....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
