I have demons in me.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
