He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
