dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
