im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
