gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
