i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
