Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
