before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
