Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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