yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
