Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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