the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
