I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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