Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
