I smell stomach acid.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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