I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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