dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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