I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
