IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
