So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I currently don't understand fingers.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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