I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
