ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
