And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
