someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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