Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
